Monday, January 5, 2015

2014 $tevie Awards

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Well, another year has come and gone… without so much as cab fare left behind… so that means that another round of $tevies should be handed out. While last year’s master of ceremonies Robocop is busy shooting a new movie, the show must go on… and so, ladies & gentlemen… I give you… just me. I’m phoning it in a little bit this year. Why? Eh… it’s just a silly questionnaire thing from way back… and chances are that you know the answers already anyway if you’ve been reading this thing… but here you go.
DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: Izzy – There’s really no use in calling her Dizzy anymore… you all know my ladyfriend… and she wins again! After Bubbles swept this award the first 5-6 years… there is a new drunkard in my life… and while Bubbles & I still enjoy drinks from time to time… and Jackie D has made a few appearances this year… I really HAVE to give it to the lady that I’m starting up a small brewing empire with, right? You’ve read the blog… and the one specifically regarding Beer & Terrible Lizard Brewing. If you hadn’t, you really should… and how did you find this blog in the first place? Anyway, we’re always trying out different brews at home, checking out breweries around the world (thanks Canada!), recipes, experiments, and just enjoying & drinking all the time… winning a few awards here & there along the way. Yup… she’s totally my new drinking buddy… and she’s basically done after a glass or two anyway so… kind of a cheap date. Easier on the pocketbook that’s for sure.
LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): The Wingman – Though I’m a little peeved that I haven’t met his new wife yet… I can let it slide, cuz we’re cool like that. I really only saw him at the family reunion for about two hours this past year, but it was good times & that’s what matters.
NEWCOMER AWARD: New Roommates? – Massachusetts girl has been in the apartment a year now… and since then she’s been joined by Brazilian girl & Bakersfield guy the past few months… and we get along pretty well. Yes, Mass can be a little annoying with her tendency to just throw anything & everything away that isn’t hers if it’s taking up fridge space that she can use for six gallons of almond milk… but hey, that’s how roommates go… and when almond milk is dumped into the sink past its expiration date because I’d like enough space to just have ANYTHING that I can eat in the fridge, that’s what we call compromise. I guess basically there just wasn’t a whole lot of new blood this year.
SONG FOR 2014: “Drunken Love” by Beyonce? – I'm not going to lie... there really isn't a winner here. Not to sound like an old man... but music is just kinda crap nowadays... at least that I hear on the radio... and the concerts that I went to this year were George Thorogood & a Prince cover band. “Happy” by Pharrell was pretty good... but yeah... still, not really a winner this year... so I gotta go to the best concert that I saw this year... Jay & Bey!!!
MOVIE FOR 2014: "Guardians of the Galaxy" – For most movies, awards season started about a month ago to gear up for all the shows & be fresh in the memories of the voters… but my awards season really started this time last year (with most of the award winning crap) but really kicks off in summer with big releases… and then usually really kicks off in early fall with summer movies going to DVD so I can watch them… and some of the non-tentpole movies that appeal to $teve start to show up… like the R-rated movies like Machete (last year), Sin City, Expendables, horror flicks, even TMNT, where they don’t really have the clout to go up against the Avengers… but they have their appeal & usually go to DVD in time for Christmas. However, this movie was pretty much far & away the most entertaining that I saw this year. When basically the only flaw that you can really say about it is that it’s an obscure Marvel comic that basically rips off “The Avengers” but puts them in space… then if you really liked “The Avengers”, what’s the difference? If you haven’t seen it, go check it out. Honorable mentions this year go to “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” which had a few flaws… but was entertaining… and I got to go to a super special premiere & see all the real life stars… and also to the horribly named “Edge of Tomorrow” which was my surprise goodie of the year. How was it surprising? Nobody talked it up… but it was a major movie that kinda flopped… and it was still pretty good. Also, I really wanna watch “Birdman”, “Gone Girl”, “Foxcatcher” & “The Babadook” but that’ll probably go towards next year… since they didn’t go to video yet & theatre release is ridiculous unless you’re a sequel to an established title. That’s just how Hollywood is any more… and what’s with all that tween bullsh*t based on Stephanie Meyer books? I feel like that stuff comes up once a month… are they the only people going to theatres anymore?
VIDEO GAME FOR 2014: South Park: The Stick of Truth – Far & away the best new video game that I’ve played this year. The South Park guys FINALLY made a decent game after a few tries… and this is actually a pretty incredible & entertaining RPG game based in the lore of South Park. If you’re a fan of the show, you’re going to be a fanatic of this game. Hundreds of characters, nearly every TV show environment, thousands of inside jokes & little things that make it feel like you’re completely immersed in this game. I absolutely loved it! Thank you Izzy for this wonderful birthday present!!!
TV SHOW FOR 2014: Netflix – Yeah, Netflix became my TV last year… and Hulu Plus has joined the mix… so yeah, the only appeal of broadcast is sports & they’re quickly pricing that sh*t out completely so… good luck with that networks.
HALLOWEEN COSTUMESpanky Ham – Yup, no Waldo this year… instead the ladyfriend and I went as Ling Ling & Spanky Ham from “Drawn Together”

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: Elevation 66 Brewing – Seriously, I know I’m a little biased because I help out at the brewery… but the food here is f**king amazing. You really need to check it out. The sausage is The Best that I’ve ever had. The burgers, sliders, chicken, chips, salad, everything that I’ve tried has been absolutely amazing… and actually not a bad bargain for the area & what you get. If you’re ever in El Cerrito, check it out.
BOOK OF THE YEAR: “Paddle Your Own Canoe” by Nick Offerman – Nick Offerman seems like the coolest mofo alive. He is all that is Man. This book of his is basically a look back on how he became the Man that he is today… and basically little life-learned lessons about how to make your life the best that it can be. Is it grossly insightful into the meaning of Life? Not really… it doesn’t take itself that seriously… but it’s a great little romp about down-home living, making the most with what you have, learning skills to make your life more fulfilling in a lot of ways, and just general proper living. I highly recommend that you read this when/if somebody is willing to loan it to you. Better yet, get this book as a present for that Man in your life. It’s funny, insightful & reassures all the good qualities that a real Man tries to uphold. You’re welcome.

BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG AWARD: SFMTA - San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency  -  Another repeat winner! Seriously though, these punk mutha f**kas don’t know when to stop. I got a ticket apparently last October… because their automated bridge toll system didn’t read THEIR Fastrak transponder that never leaves my Jeep, is assigned SPECIFICALLY to my Jeep, and the ticket they sent me had a picture of the back of my Jeep with license number, hence how they found out it was me. I sent them a message concerning this to their absolutely pointless website area, since a few months later they said I now owe them $78 or something because of the $5 toll that their system didn’t take. I was very eloquent & refrained from dropping any F or N bombs, stated my case, gave them not only the transponder number but all of the Fastrak information that they obviously already had on file since they sent me the f**king ticket, even suggested that they check their system at the bridge since they probably have quite a number of these incidences popping up. Their response? Why the f**k would they have to respond? They’re not accountable for anything! They’re never accountable for anything other than getting your mother f**king money! No response. Over a year after the incident, I go to register my Jeep for this next year… and nothing has been done. I still owe $78 on top of all the other BS registration fees so that… wait for it… California, SFMTA & all the other institutions out there can further rape my tax-paying ass for more money… merely for the privilege of driving or NOT driving on their roads that they were so grateful to make and occasionally maintain with my previous taxes that they can also take without any representation in their assessment. That’s right kids! F**k the government! Don’t make it about Race! That’s just f**king stupid… let’s be real. Make it about the government just taking & taking… and enforcing their will on you! That I can get behind… unless it’s just slowing down my f**king commute when I have a job to get to & your unemployed ass is blocking the road… then just get the f**k out of the way & blog about it or something. Oh, and I also got another one today when I was typing this up... why? Because they got their money out of me. Dispute filed... and I expect the same result.

BEST RELATIONSHIP: Dizzy – Yep… still hangin’ out with her… dang, it’s been almost three full years now. Amazing that she isn’t sick of me yet… but then again, I AM pretty awesome… even when I’m ranting like two sentences ago…

WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH: Izzy – Of course! We watched “The Thin Man”, first of the Nick & Norah series… and we haven’t seen any of the sequels yet unfortunately. We should probably get on that.

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: SF Homebrewing Guild Leadership – I was kind of on the fence in the beginning about throwing my hat in the ring for the SF Homebrewers Guild… but I’m actually really glad that I did it. I’ve met a LOT of great people in the brewing community, been part of a lot of activities, learned more about making better beer to share with others, spent great quality time with my ladyfriend, but yeah… the main benefit of helping from the leadership role specifically is meeting all of the great people in the community & creating not just contacts… but helping others to share the passion of making your own beer & just finding likeminded individuals in the Bay Area.

PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR: Last year’s entry was “Keep on doing what I'm doing... only more so... and I've already got a good plan set up to keep it moving...” and that still holds true.
STUPIDEST IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Orcat? No… that’s pretty amazing. Oh, you STILL don’t know about that? Stay tuned…

BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: This year has been pretty steady… aside from little things like new roommates, a few more responsibilities at work, paying off Gretchen (my Jeep), filing for my first trademark, and little things like that… not much has really changed… but 2015 is bound to be full of changes... and it actually started right at the turn of the calendar
HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Alaska Cruise – Seriously, that trip was f**king awesome… there have been many high points this past year… but it’s hard to top these three entries & all the stories in between that I couldn’t recount at the moment… Part One, Part Two & Part Three
LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: There's actually going to an entire different entry for this one... now is not the time.

BEST HOLIDAY: Christmas... as usual... it was pretty awesome... and then it wasn't... to be continued...

Last Year’s REAL REAL RESOLUTIONS Review (still in effect for 2015 as well):
  • Date Dammit! – I’m kinda set here for the time being
  • Learn Another Language – Ugh… dammit…
  • Give Up Mountain Dew – Ugh… double dammit… still better than I was…
  • Get Back Into Ballin’ Shape – I really need to start working out more… beer is not the healthier drink out there… it’s basically liquid bread
  • Remember JJ – I still haven’t forgotten about ya… though I’m pretty sure she’s long forgotten about me
  • Use My Passport – FINALLY used it on the Alaska cruise!!! Now to plan on the next international voyage…
  • Write a Children’s Book – Hmm… it has been quite a while since I thought about this… but we’ll both have more free time once Izzy graduates this spring!
  • Don’t Sweat the Small Sh*t – I’m still relaxing & taking things as they come…
  • Look for the Next Step – Eyes are open...
  • Survive the Apocalypse – I’m still surviving like a f**king CHAMPION!!! “Godzilla” couldn’t take us down this summer… nor “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes”… nor the “flood” about a month ago… aaaaaand queue the quake…
Anyway, those are my winners this year... yeah, not the grandest... but there's more on the way. Christmas events coming soon with pictures... and stories... and a little retrospective view of many things... but yeah, until then, thanks for reading. Have a great new year everybody!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment