Avengers: The Age of Max

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

  

Saturday, we decided to go to a matinee at Cerrito Theatre… and oddly enough, Big Ben & his family did too… we saw them in line… and then we saw “Avengers: Age of Ultron” starring… the Marvel Cinematic Universe. You know the actors & characters… and if you don’t, you checked out a LONG time ago. Basically the story starts out with the Avengers attacking a Hydra (bad guys from previous movies) stronghold to recapture an ultra-powerful scepter… and incidentally release two new foes, the Maximoff twins (Quiksilver & Scarlet Witch, played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson & Elisabeth Olsen… who played a married couple in their last movie “Godzilla”, don’t think about that though). While the Avengers have the scepter, Iron Man decides that it’d be a good idea to use it to make artificial intelligence using its power.. you know, so that they can achieve world peace… and spoiler alert, it doesn’t happen… and he ends up making a super-powerful robot called Ultron (voiced by James Spader) who spends the rest of the movie making a horde of indestructible robots that he can transfer his conscience through (using the internet, which he also runs now) and there’s a floating island and… you know, what? I’m not going to be able to do a good job in making this sounds like a good movie… but trust me, it’s better than a lot of people are giving it credit for. It’s a huge movie event… so there are gonna be things to knit-pick… but yeah, it’s an action movie. Here are my quick pros & cons:

 

What I Like About This Movie

·         Getting Everybody Involved – It’s a massive cinematic universe… it’s actually easier to tell you who from the previous movies is NOT in here (Gwyneth Paltrow & Natalie Portman) and they even added another dozen or so including…

 

·         Andy Serkis – Because there wasn’t enough big names in this movie, they brought in the Great Andy Serkis as Ulysses Klaw who will probably be in the Black Panther movie, which I’m okay with… and other new faces include the twins (mentioned before), the voice of James Spader, and Hawkeye’s family with his wife Velma from “Scooby Doo”

 

What I Didn’t Like About This Movie

·         The Floating Island – Yes, THIS was the point in this movie of superheroes and such that I just gave up on the Physics like I’m watching “Interstellar” or a Syfy movie… but yeah, even given the stuff like the magnetic/force field used to making it fly… then why are people falling off the edge?

 

·         Ultron’s Motivation – Look, you’re an indestructible robot who utilizes the internet as your plaything with (apparently) limitless vibranium resources to make thousands of clones and such… who’s threatening you? Just run sh*t! No need to wipe out all humans… you want to destroy the world K2 style and then NOT have your resources? Logic flawed!!!

 

·         It Wasn’t Infinity War or Civil War – Quick cockteasing me!!! F**k the anticipatory foreplay, let’s get down!!!

 

Yeah, go check it out… it’s no Mad Max: Fury Road… but on that note…

 

We rewatched the rest of the Mad Max trilogy starting with “Mad Max 2: Road Warrior” starring Mel Gibson & directed by George Miller. In this installment, Max (Gibson) is wandering the wasteland of post-apocalyptic Earth and stumbles upon a small oil refinery community… and he’s out of gas… but there’s also a band of marauders who are looking to take it over, get the gas & kill everybody inside… probably after some rapening. So then it works out that Max isn’t a complete dick & tries to save them… while saving himself. Before Fury Road, this was the best Mad Max movie… not just my opinion, basically FACT. Google it. There’s great action & intrigue throughout… and I highly recommend that you see this as soon as possible… and then go see Fury Road.

 

Later that night, we also watched the finale of the original trilogy “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome” starring Mel Gibson and… Tina Turner. Yes, THAT Tina Turner… who also provided the soundtrack. Ugh… okay… in this installment Mad Max (with really long 80’s hair) is inexplicably surprise camel-drawn-wagon-jacked by one of the people that he saved in Mad Max 2… and then follows him to Bartertown, the Mos Eisley of this realm… where people come to trade their goods, get some companionship, and just not die if at all possible. Well, he goes in to get his camel-drawn wagon & supplies back… and then stumbles upon a political coup when the mayor of Bartertown (Turner) who’s trying to killer Master Blaster, who’s running the pig sh*t farm that this city (and plot) is built upon. Okay… so in summation, there’s THUNDERDOME which is a duel to the death… then there’s a surprise group of children who save Max… and a train… but did you notice one thing that I haven’t mentioned about this movie? Anything that’s missing from the plot outline? F**KING CARS!!! THERE’S NO CARS IN THIS CAR-CHASE MOVIE UNTIL… about 80 minutes in… and even then, it’s the bad guys who have the cars… and they’re on a train… which apparently still runs just fine on a clean track and… INEXCUSEABLE!!! Ugh… look, it’s easy to mock this movie… I mean… Tina Turner is the 2^nd billed ACTOR in this movie. Is it a horrible movie? Not at all… seriously, the potential of this movie is f**king amazing… and I want to see the sequel to Fury Road be a reimagining of this concept in some way… but yeah, it’s not great… and almost killed the franchise… until 30 years later when it RISES LIKE A PHOENIX IN FURY ROAD!!! SERIOUSLY GO SEE THAT MOVIE!!! “PITCH PERFECT 2” IS THE #1 MOVIE IN THE AMERICA!!! MEANWHILE FURY ROAD MADE ABOUT HALF AS MUCH MONEY & IS AT 98% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES!!! THAT MAKES ME ASHAMED TO BE A F**KING AMERICAN!!!

   

Earlier in the week, we were forwarded an email (possibly propaganda) about 20 horror movies available on Netflix that we should check out. We’d already seen three of them… but we figured that we’d watch some of the rest, if not all. First up was “Housebound” which is the story of New Zealand troublemaker (Morgana O’Reilly) who is arrested and sentenced to 8 months of house arrest… at her mother’s house. That’s right… moving back in with your mom & stepfather… what could be worse? Well, what if your well-intentioned blabbermouth mother also thinks that the mouth is haunted… and after a few days, event cause you to believe her. That’s about all I’m going to give you about the story… but I would highly recommend checking this movie out. It’s not super gory or anything… the acting is decent… the suspense is great… the story is even pretty decent with just a little disbelief. For example, I was trying to figure out how old the main character was supposed to be. In the story, she seems like she might be anywhere between 17 & 22 because she’s apparently fresh out of school… but the actress is obviously in her late twenties… but I just assume that’s why they mention that she’s on meth (quickly, but she’s pretty gorgeous for meth head, just saying maybe it aged her a bit)… and there are a few other things that you’ll just have to wave off… but overall, check this movie out! Support independent movies from Kiwi Hobbit World!

 

Next up was a movie called “Late Phases” starring Nick Damici & Ethan Embry (was in “Can’t Hardly Wait”, “Empire Records” & “Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle” but has honestly not aged well) and is the story of an aging wounded war vet (Damici) who moves to a retirement community where people are dying of mysterious circumstances… like BEING TORN TO F**KING SHREDS!!! Okay, I really do recommend checking this movie out… I want to get that out of the way right away because it’s a good flick & Nick Damici does a good job at playing a blind iron-resolute vet who seems amazed that everybody around him is f**king stupid… and the other actors do pretty well, including Tom Noonan who I haven’t seen in a while… you can see him as a priest with a beard. There are also some great teases that show that the writers have obviously seen past werewolf movies like “Silver Bullet” (there’s a priest involved AND an eye-patch guy) and others of the ilk. My main problem with this movie… is that EVERYBODY IS SO F**KING STUPID!!! The police? F**king useless… like even more so than they are in real life. “Eh, maybe it’s dogs doing it.” THEN KILL THE F**KING DOGS!!! The neighbors & other people in the retirement community? Friends & member of your community are dropping like flies… and not the peacefully in their sleep way as you might expect… more like screaming & being torn asunder… so what do you do? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! No heightened security, no extra camera footage (like three cameras in the whole sprawling city and two are at the front gate?), all kinds of stupid sh*t that you just have to say… “Okay, they all long for death’s sweet embrace & the people running the community have a lot of prepaid leases and a healthy waiting list for new entries… I’ll go with that… I guess.” Aside from that though, I liked this movie… made me think of my dad a little bit (sadly) and he would’ve probably liked this movie… picture a blind Charles Bronson going against a legion of werewolves… you’re welcome!

 

We also watched an odd little movie called “Volcano High” that… apparently was a Korean martial arts movie set in a high school where I guess everybody has super fighting powers… insert the new kid protagonist… and was on MTV for a while back in the early 2000’s. Now, I like martial arts movies… even the ones bordering on anime… but why would I watch this one as opposed to the hundreds, thousands of others? Well… this one was dubbed into English… but some of the biggest hip hop artists of the day… namely Snoop Dogg, Method Man, Andre 3000 & Big Boi of Outkast, Kelis, Mya, even Li’l Jon before he blew the f**k up… and random ass selections like the late great Pat Morita& Tracy Morgan. Intrigued, right? Yeah, me too! Well… the movie was okay… the lead guy especially had some amazing Jim Carrey-esque goofy smiles and stuff that was entertaining… the story is… well, it’s what you expect… and fighting scenes are okay loaded with special effects & reality bending… but it’s what you expect. My knit-pick… is that everything seems to be in super slow motion when they fight… to the point where I’m pretty sure a regular speed version of this movie… would last about 22 minutes, your average sitcom episode. Anyway, do you need to check it out? Of course not… but then again, that got me thinking about doing some ADR work for other foreign language movies… but these ones are actually good… so I give you my ADR nominations for the English dubbing… of “Raid: Redemption”!!!

 

Now, because it’s so jam packed with action, there’s not a whole lot of dialogue required to dub… I feel like Rama, the protagonist supercop could be voiced by… Eminem. Hear me out! Why Eminem? Because you can understand what he says… regardless of what Sly, Arnie, JCVD & others might say that’s pretty f**king important. Plus, he has a more miniscule, almost childish voice that he can use to give some empathy towards the hero. One thing from “Volcano High” that irritated me was Andre 3000 voicing the main guy who’s supposed to be kinda nerdy… Andre 3000 sounds cool as f**k all damn day… every day. Plus… you get a lot of raging Eminem “Ha-YA!!!”s once the fights start… you’re welcome!

 

I also like the idea of the injured officer Bowo being voiced by the great R. Kelly. Why? Why the hell not? That velvety voice would sing-song it’s way through his moans of pain... and I just like the idea.

 

Now for the crime lord Tama Riyadi... you'd think that I'd go with some boss like mutha f**k like Jay-Z... and that's an interesting pick... and I'd watch that movie... probably twice. We're talking about the "final boss" in this basically video game movie... and to have Jigga yelling out orders & runnin' sh*t from the top floor would be nice... but I'm casting Jay-Z's voice (if he has time) as the police commissioner barking out orders or something. Instead, I'm giving Tama's role to...

 

DMX!!! That rough, gravely, crazy voice with emphasis EVERYWHERE... you know it's the right decision. This show would be epic... how is this not already done? DMX should be in everything.

 

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight... busy little weekend coming up with Izzy's graduation & her family in town. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Support our troops!!!

Top Five & Other Random Movies

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

 

I’ve watched a few movies this past week-plus, so I thought that I’d catch you up on them:

 

First off was “The Elephant Man” starring Sir Anthony Hopkins, John Hurt & directed by the eccentric genius David Lynch (“Eraserhead”, “Twin Peaks”, etc). The movie is about the AMAZING TRUE STORY of a man whose body was SERIOUSLY disfigured and how one doctor took him from a sideshow attraction to somewhat prominence in turn-of-the-century London. I know… it sounds like some kind of “Blind Side” movie where rich whitey takes a poor, unfortunate soul and turns them into an NFL Player… but it’s not that at all. The movie is in black & white, which basically seems like the right choice for this movie in general to make it kind of a classic story… but also, the makeup for the Elephant Man may have been completely distracting. That being said… the story is great… and the makeup is so good that it led to the creation of an Academy Award for makeup the following year, because they academy thought work like this should be recognized. There are a few moments in the movie that are… well, Lynch-esque… like the opening few seconds… I’m pretty sure that a woman is being raped by an elephant, not “trampled” as was told later in the movie. So I highly recommend that you check this movie out… great performances all around (except for a few cockney extras) and just a great lesson in movie making & revealing surprise twists. I enjoyed it immensely.

   

Next up was the Academy’s Best Picture of 1973, “The Sting” starring Robert Redford, Paul Newman & Robert Shaw. Set in Depression-era Chicago, this movie is about a young con man (Redford) whose partner is killed by a criminal banker mastermind (Shaw) and he seeks REVENGE!!! However, he can’t just walk up & off the guy… then expect to live… so he asks for the help of a master confidence man (Newman) to get REVENGE… and maybe rich at the same time. I had never seen this movie growing up… but had heard good things… and it certainly didn’t disappoint. I’m not going to reveal any more than the premise really… but if you’re a fan of movies like the “Ocean’s 11” trilogy or intricate little spy thrillers and stuff of that guild, then you’ve probably already seen this movie… but if somehow you haven’t, then absolutely check this out! You’ll actually see a LOT of things that’re pretty standard now over forty years later… but yeah, it’s still semi-fresh & worst-case scenario… ladies, you get to look at Redford & Newman for over two hours… gentlemen, you get to see wit & VENGEANCE!!! It’s just a fun little romp with various twists and turns along the way… so check it out! Classic!

 

Sunday night, we watched one of the most talked about horror movies of the past year called “The Babadook” starring Essie Davis and written-directed by Jennifer Kent (don’t worry, you haven’t seen anything else they’ve done unless you’re in Australia I think). The movie is about a single mother (Davis) who husband died in a horrific car crash while she was pregnant… and now she’s raising a seven-year old son… but the son is acting… let’s face it, he’s acting f**king nuts. He may have a learning disability… but kudos to the child actor playing him… because he really got under my f**king nerves. Anyway, one day she’s putting her son to bed when he pulls a children’s book from off the shelf… but it’s a book they’ve never seen before… called “The Babadook” and… it’s easily one of the creepiest things you’ll ever read… so of course, the son LOVES IT!!! As the days go by, the son gets more & more disturbed and talks about Babadook being in the room & freaking out… and basically there’s a demonic presence that makes itself known… and now the mother starts losing it with sleep deprivation and… demonic possession? The story goes from there and again, I’m not going to ruin it. What I REALLY like about this movie… is that it’s basically, in my opinion, a perspective piece on mental illness and/or post-traumatic stress disorder. Who do I come to that? Well, the story centers around two people, the mother & the son. Everybody is really only in the story as ancillary characters to be like “You sound f**king insane! You know that, right?” or “Your son is out of control!” and stuff like that. However, nobody really sees this Babadook… or even this book… except those two. The mother having an incredibly difficult time since her husband gruesome death right in front of her eyes & feeling somewhat responsible for it… and then a young, impressionable child raised by that same person, so no real frame of reference for what’s considered sane. So is there really a demonic presence in the house? Or is it just her mental breakdown finally coming to fruition? It keeps it kind of hazy… much like “Oculus” that came out the year before… but yeah, I’d definitely recommend checking it out.

 

Last up this entry is “Top Five” starring Chris Rock (writer-director-star), Rosario Dawson, JB Smoove and a HOST of great cameos including Gabrielle Union, Cedric the Entertainer, Anders Holm, Tracy Morgan and a bunch of others that I don’t want to spoil… but are definitely fun. The plot is about a famous comedian movie star (basically Chris Rock playing a version of himself) who has decided that he wants to do a serious movie… about the Haitian slave revolution called “Uprize” which… just sounds horrible, even as a parody. He has a reality-TV star fiancée (Union) and is out promoting his new movie venture… when he meets up with a young female reporter with the NY Post (Dawson) and they basically spend the day together talking about his motivations for things during his career. It’s actually a pretty well done little flick in that respect… there are moments of great conflict involved in his decisions, weakness of character, strength in overcoming adversities, all that kind of stuff… except there was one part that REALLY didn’t need to be part of it (you’ll know it when you see it, trust me) but overall, I’d highly recommend checking this movie out. It’s poignant for perspective on the life of comedians & actors… and yeah, there are a few things thrown in like the love interest angles, odd character conflicts, stuff like that… but hey, that’s what you need for a movie to work, not just a documentary or set piece or something. It’s a pretty good little flick… but yeah, you’ll know what part I’m talking about. Guaranteed. Oh… and whole top five thing is a running thing where characters in the movie (mostly his family) talk about their Top Five all-time rappers… and it’s all over the place with everyone from Rakim to LL Cool J to Biggie to Nas and so on… but yeah, that’s why it’s the movie’s title. On that note…

 

My Top Five… since you asked:

 

1.       Jay-Z – He’s been slipping a little bit the past few years… but he’s a Business, MAAAN!!! He has children with Beyonce. Game won!

2.       Eminem – Yes, there are definitely songs (and some albums) that you could absolutely pass on… but when he’s on, he’s on.

3.       Notorious B.I.G. – Too soon… too soon…

4.       Tupac Shakur – Too soon… too soon… almost feel like if he’s made it to his forties, his mindset would be better suited for it. He could share hosting duties for Award Shows with LL Cool J. You know… so LL could take a weekend off or something.

5.       DMX – Yes… DMX is in my Top 5… “WHAT???” I loved DMX… and the market did too for his first five albums, all debuting at #1 in the 90’s & early 00’s. He was also a large-budget movie star in “Belly”, “Cradle 2 Da Grave”, “Exit Wounds”, “Never Die Alone” and others… but unfortunately, crack cocaine is a helluva drug… and he’s made some serious mistakes in his life. OH GOD, have you SEEN VH1’s “Couples Therapy” Season 1? Greatest f**king reality TV EVER!!! I've mentioned this before. Anyway, I hope that he can get his sh*t together… because when he was on, he was on. Rough, raw, real… and rumbly… grrrrrrrrrr… (insert dog barks)

 

My 6^th man is Ma$e… f**k you, it’s my list! “Harlem World” was ahead of its time. I’m a product of 90’s and early 00’s rap… that’s the era that made me. Yes, I love what little I’ve heard from KRS-One, Slick Rick & all those guys from the 80’s… but it’s not what I was raised on. Anything made after 2005, I think is basically horsesh*t with a few exceptions like Macklemore and a few other singles out there. Lyric for lyric, line for line, yeah… those are my Top Five… deal with it. I know… you don’t care… I’m just being semi-confrontational to show my resolve in this matter. Busta Rhymes almost made it on the list… and WU TANG CLAN as a group would absolutely be on there… but mostly due to the large bulk of both artists and a great disparity between their great licks & horrible rhyming nonsense… they didn’t make it.

 

Anyway, that’ll do it for today… Tomorrow is Steve-toberfest!!! An epic celebration of my birth some 34 years ago!!! Tell all your friends & bring a boot to drink from!!! Have a great weekend everybody!!!