Saturday, January 9, 2016

T-Rex Wars: The Force Awakens

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
So I mentioned during my Christmas post the other day that I watched “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” twice… but I didn’t elaborate on it. Why? Lots of thoughts… but also don’t want to spoil the hell out of it for the three people who haven’t seen the movie yet… but then I figured that if they haven’t seen it at this point, they could probably give two flying f**ks about what happens. IZZY!!! IF YOU’RE READING THIS… STOP READING THIS UNTIL YOU SEE THE MOVIE!!! Or at least the Nostalgia Critic review… but even then, this really isn’t going to contain a lot… but you don’t care anymore. You’ve been on social media the past three weeks. You know that Jar Jar is the Sith Lord by now. What’s that? Oh you DIDN’T know that? Well schucks my gartners, the cat’s out of the bag now. Anyway… have you seen the first Star Wars movie from 1977? Yes? Good… then you’ve basically seen this movie… with some new characters (surprisingly few new characters) and rebooted for the next trilogy and a bunch of spinoffs. Seriously, this is the story of an android who is given some top secret information… and falls into the hands of a desert planet farmer (?)… who meets up with an aging apprentice… and they travel the galaxy helping some rebel force… against some empirical force… who has access to weapons that literally destroy planets… and the whole time there’s a tall, dark, ominous figure that wears black, talks like he’s asking for a ransom & has magical powers… as does the desert planet farmer… you know what, I really liked this movie! Just go check it out! There are flaws… but it’s a great experience! Now I’m just going to through out some theories and random thoughts… spoilers… if you care…
·         I had been mentioning in the months leading up to the release event of this movie with all the secrecy about the plot & its various twists… that I was going to be SOOOOOO happy when it was revealed that Jar Jar Binks with this new Sith Lord (Kylo Ren) or revealed to be the new emperor. Now… I thought this both because it would’ve been a total Kaiser Soze move… and let’s face it… in the prequels, that dipsh*t became a Senator. Holy sh*t! He was playing everybody! I meant it jokingly… but apparently that was a REAL THEORY and apparently was part of the original trilogy as my brother told me during Christmas… and he showed me a few videos… and when I watched “Episode I: The Phantom Menace” again with my Aunt Pat a few days later… it totally made some sense. Basically, I’m still hoping that the real brains and/or brawn behind this new First Order (Empire) is Darth Jar Jar.
·         For a moment in that little scene that’s even in the trailer, where Finn & Poe do that whole glancing “Hey, good luck” stare before they go into battle… I was pretty sure those two were going to end up gay lovers. After watching the movie… I’m still not entirely convinced that’s not going to be a thing later on. I know they’re pushing the whole Finn & Rey love story thing… but let’s face it… they did that with Luke & Leia the first trilogy before they dropped the whole brother-sister bomb & made it really awkward. Finn & Rey can’t be for whatever reason… maybe Luke gives her the whole attachment leads to the Dark Side speech from the other movies.. Finn is heartbroken… in walks the new Han Solo (Poe, like Kung Fu Panda) to mend his broken heart. Give it to the third movie… and fan boys, get ready to REVOLT!!!
·         Speaking of the brother-sister bomb… so… Kylo & Rey are the kids of Han & Leia, right? That’s the not-so-subtle hint that’s laid on pretty hard… or is that one of those “Lost” things like “No, it’s totally not Purgatory… it’s something else!” and then that’s what it ends up being? I mean… it’s not like the same guy ran that show & this movie franchise, right?
·         Captain Phasma (the chrome stormtrooper) is totally going to be… I don’t know… competent in the following movies, right?
·         Everybody noticed that Matt Parkman from “Heroes” (Greg Grunberg) was one of the guys in the Rebel Alliance, right? You know, Matt Parkman? The guy who could read minds in “Heroes”? Like… Jedi mind trick sh*t? Just sayin’…
·         To learn the ways for the Force, Kylo studied under Luke Skywalker for years… and then turned to the Dark Side to become the apprentice to Supreme Leader Snoke… and had the charred skull & helmet of Anakin Skywalker / Darth Vader in his room that he basically worshipped… and basically turned his life over to the Force… and is a skilled lightsabre fighter… and he was beaten by a diminutive desert farmer who has never handled a bladed weapon before (only a shepherd’s stick or whatever) and it shows… and didn’t even know that she had the ability to even conjure the Force until LITERALLY minutes before their battle… and she just closed her eyes (while he stood there doing nothing) and then it was like “swipe, done, over, pose, off to the next one”. Yeah… MAJOR problems with the Final Battle… and that’s after the “Finn vs. Kylo” battle.
·         Also, what the hell was with Kylo’s chest thumping thing? I’m sure it’s on the cutting room floor.
·         Most importantly though: Didn’t the Rebel Alliance WIN at the end of Return of the Jedi??? What changed??? NOTHING??? NOTHING!!! I’m sure there’ll be spin-off movies and shows that explain how it got back to exactly what it was… but whatever. Check it out.
New Year’s Eve was super happening for Izzy & I. We had an N64 Party with J-Mo & his friend… and played “Mario Kart” and watched “Mad Max: Fury Road” because we’re badasses like that… and went to bed shortly after midnight. WOOHOOOOOOO!!! Screw you guys… it was still pretty fun!
This past weekend, we also met up with Izzy’s aunts and went to the showing of T-Rex Planet at Craneway Pavilion in Richmond, which is similar to the dinosaur thing that we went to in San Jose a while back… but basically life-size replica dinosaurs in a convention center setting… BOOM!!! Here are pictures…

I’ve been super busy with my MANY MANY jobs with only one paycheck… but I’m determined to get this podcast thing up & running soon… and you shouldn’t be disappointed. Until then though, have a great weekend everybody!!!

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